Stars

I recently have been thinking about… well… me. Selfish, I know. But I have been asking myself who I really am, why I’m here. Deep, huh? (Or maybe that's just college.)

Well I’m in my first ever psychology sort of class, Human Development. According to a certain human development theorist, I’m searching for my personal identity because I have been confronted with uncertainty, a change in my environment, and instability in those around me.

Ok, so here’s my interpretation of that mess.

I wished away this summer (read “So I go back tomorrow…”) and just longed to come back “home” to my friends in Greenville. In doing so, I basically put my life on hold for three months. I found my identity with those here. Well people change, myself included. The dynamic of my group of friends has changed, and I’m not sure I was quite ready for that. I unknowingly put myself in a situation of potential hurt and disappointment by relying on what was.

At times I long for stability; for one iota of something (or someone) to call my own. I am exhausted from change. Exhausted from those I love leaving, from the ebb and flow of friendship. I want to simply be comfortable and feel safe and warm.


Then there is another part of me.


It wants change and adventure. New loves. New places. Danger and instability.

For this side of me, I thank God. My Jesus is not in the business of stability. He asks me to always be ready to go. To be ready to have my heart broken by those who can’t see. To be put under fire and come out slightly singed, but more heat resistant than ever (cliché I know).

Of course there are times (many times) where this scares me so much. My refuge, and the place I find God during these times is in the outdoors. My sense of wonder sometimes overwhelms me when I walk outside. Despite nature’s constant change, God has made one thing consistent, its beauty. Whether it be the sunlight shining through a leaf or the clouds at dusk, I find peace in God’s creation.


I ran back to my room this morning before lunch to drop off some things. I opened iTunes and the acoustic version of a certain Switchfoot song about stars came on. I broke down pretty much right there by myself.

God’s got my back. He’ll do everything He can to let me know it too. Whether it be in creation, a song, or a song about His creation.

I can survive change, survive instability, and better yet, thrive on it. I will grow when pushed, and if God has to push me off the metaphorical cliff…believe me, He will.

I’m ready God.