well that's one thing we've got...

Goin to the chapel...

2008-07-21T09:34:00.007-04:00

So I realized...I haven't written a post since getting engaged, and that was over six months ago. So the gist is, I'm getting married. I will be adding another name to my own. (Sometimes I wish Taylor did that too, but that's beside the point.) I am taking one of the scariest steps in life--choosing who to spend it with. I am more than ready and at the same time scared out of my skull. But I think if I wasn't freaking out, I probably wouldn't be doing it right.

One major reason to be a bit nervous: I'm finishing my senior year at Furman, graduating, getting married a week later, soon after moving to a big city, and starting grad school. You say "What?!" And I say, "Yeah, me too." But I guess that's what life is about. I'm kind of excited about all the changes. New starts are always fun. Still today, I get that little flutter in my chest when a new school year is about to start. (But hey I get that feeling when I buy a new planner.) I may one day regret saying this, but I really like circumstances that make me uncomfortable and keep me from getting too settled. I don't want to spend my life being used to my life.

So yeah, I'm getting married, tying the knot, gettin hitched, gaining the old ball and chain. Whatever you call it, I'm getting to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. I cannot imagine who I would be without him. Look out world, you only have 10 more months until the Gibson Coxes come running.

2008-07-21T09:31:00.001-04:00

Maybe I should make a new post.

Theme and Variations on a Carol of Incarnation

2007-12-07T12:20:00.000-05:00

(I recently wrote this article for the Concoxions magazine "The Amalgam" and thought it might be a nice Christmas blog as well.)

Yes. I admit. I'm one of those people who will pull out a Christmas CD in July. Why save it all for Christmas Day? Every Christmas we hear the story of the Christ child told in the traditional carols we sing and the new versions pop artists always come out with. But just how well do these songs we all have memorized tell the story?
How many times have you sung and heard "Away in a Manger" and "Silent Night"? Probably hundreds. Look again.

The cattle are lowing the baby awakes, but little Lord Jesus no crying he makes.

Holy infant so tender and mild.

Really? Was Jesus a sweet little child who never pooped his pants or cried for food? I doubt it. Jesus was a real baby. Babies cry to communicate. They keep their parents up half the night. They giggle and coo and scream. That baby had young scared, parents, who didn't know what to do with this new child. Mary was probably not ready to be a mom in her own mind, but God had chosen her. Mary, did you know? In first century Bethlehem, life for a young family would have been much harder than it is today. Being born in a manger isn't exactly the most ideal of situations. The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay. It would've been cold and uncomfortable for the baby Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. They had had a long, hard journey. Mary was exhausted, but being a Jewish woman about to give birth, an innkeeper wouldn't want to deal with the uncleanliness she brought. So Mary and Joseph were sent to the only fairly clean shelter around. A stable. No crib for a bed.
This baby boy was like any other yet so different from any other. Veiled in flesh the Godhead see, hail the incarnate deity! He was the one Son of God. He would one day reconcile the world to God. The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight. But until that day, he had to grow up like the rest of us. God became human to identify with us, to show how he stood with us. O come desire of nations, bind all peoples in one heart and mind. In this beautiful act of love, God, the creator of all the world, was himself recreated in flesh as a defenseless baby born to impoverished parents. Long desired behold him come, finding here His humble home.
The Christmas story is more than pretty Mary in a blue bathrobe with a quiet sleeping baby boy. It is more than angels singing gloooooooooooooooria. Christmas is the beginning of a story that has changed humanity forever. It is a story that affects you and me every moment of every day. So don't save it all for Christmas day.

Want to hear more on how the story might've really happened? Put off watching "Elf" and join in my new holiday tradition: watching "The Nativity Story." Christmas hasn't really started for me yet, because I haven't gotten to watch it. This movie puts your heart in a place to truly worship at Christmastime. Let all within us praise his holy name! (Sorry, I couldn't resist that one.) The incarnation, God becoming human, becomes so real. You feel Mary's tentative strength and see Joseph's struggles. Not only is the story great, if you're into this sort of thing, the cinematography is first class. It is an all around beautiful movie. I definitely recommend it as new Christmas staple.

Lyrics taken from:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing
Away in a Manger
Silent Night
O Little Town of Bethlehem
O Come O Come Emmanuel
Don't Save it All for Christmas Day
Mary Did You Know
O Holy Night
Angels We Have Heard on High
(Imagine them being sung in a voice much like Anna Ruffner's.)

A wind in the leaves mood

2007-07-28T09:29:00.000-04:00

I'm in rare form right now. I don't often have time to be contemplative, but when I am, it hits me hard. When I can just think, I feel like...well, truly me. It's hard to explain. Oh, but I love this feeling. I'm not one to just post song lyrics, but I found a song this morning and it really hit me. So, I'm going to share my contemplative mood with you...

Alexi Murdoch, "All My Days"

"Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right"

Life Begins at the Intersection

2007-06-21T10:34:00.000-04:00

If you knew what just happened to me, and what I did.... oh goodness.

I wrote that line to start a blog about 3 months ago, and just now came back to it. (I acutally forgot about it.) This blog will be quite different from how it would've been if I actually wrote it then, but I think that's a good thing. Warning, it's a long story. So to what I did...

A lot of you have probably heard this story, a lot of you probably haven't. On March 8, 2007 at 7:00 am, I sat straight up in my bed. I had just had a dream, but I didn't really know what it was. My alarm wasn't set to go off for another hour and a half, but I needed to get up. Something was yelling inside, "This is going to change. Do it. It's the right thing." So I climbed off my enormously high top bunk and went to my computer. I rather methodically looked up the schedule for both a BA of music and BA of religion. I figured out how I could possibly make the double major fit in in the next two years (I had previously been a hardcore BM music education). I also started looking up graduate schools that offered a MSW (Master of Social Work) program. As it started getting closer to time for me to get ready to start school for the morning, I'm pretty sure my heart rate started increasing. I guess I began to realize what was going on. Not only was I completely changing my life currently, I was changing it forever. It all felt so surreal. I also began to realize that in order to make this change it had to be now or never. We were three days into spring term, and I had already been to all my classes. But in order to try this I had to get into a religion class ASAP.

Jodi woke up and got out of bed. Poor girl, I just start bawling and she has no clue what's going on. Supposedly I said, "Jodi, I'm changing my life!" Haha, oh Tiffany. So I went to my first class at 9, and then breakfast at 10. I met Taylor at breakfast and just start spilling everything. I tell him I have to get into a religion class now, and I have no idea how that's going to happen. We go upstairs to a computer and look at the schedules. All Religion 11 classes are full. Taylor just says, "Let's go to Dr. CroweTipton's (the chaplain) office." Taylor pretty much has to carry me over there because I stop to cry periodically. Once there, I tell Dr. CroweTipton everything that's happened so far (or at least what I understand of what's happened), and without blinking he tells me everything I need to do in my time at Furman to prepare, to be in EVM (Exploration of Vocational Ministry, a program that guides students in finding their calling), what scholarships are available, how starting the religion major would work. The fact that all the classes were full worked in my favor! That way Dr. CroweTipton could just place me in his class.

I then proceed to go to my 11:00 class. All of this happens before 11 am on a Thursday morning. What?! I get a form to drop my Education class in place of the Religion class, and turn the form in the last day possible to switch classes. Tell me this is all coincidence.

That evening I went to Chris and EA's with Taylor to pick up his baseball glove. We talked for a long time about what happened that day. I of course had some doubts, or at least wanted more clarity. Chris commented, "You're just looking for some kind of burning bush," and Taylor replies, "Are you kidding? It's been a burning bush day for her!" True story.

So pretty much I have been called into the ministry in the most surreal and roundabout way possible. Not everything like that has to happen in a church or camp service. :)

Over the next couple weeks I struggle with what really my major should be. Since my first thoughts are toward Social Work, wouldn't it make more sense that I should take a sociology major? But I knew I wanted to be a religion major, and I wanted to do some sort of social ministry. The sociology idea eventually left. I had said that my Religion 11 class (the introductory course to the program no less) would be a my trial run. If I so chose, I could still go back to music or sociology and wouldn't loose anything. I needed that class anyway. If I really enjoyed it and did well, that would be my sign. Let's just say I really enjoyed it, and did better than I had in any other class at Furman.

So I guess you could say I've discerned the college part of this process, but now the question is, where do I go from here? Do I go with my original thought and get a MSW? I know I want to do some sort of ministry, probably social ministry or non-profit work, but is that the route I want to go? What else do you do with a religion major? I've thought a lot about seminary, but do I want to do three more years of school?! Two I think I can handle, but three? I don't really want to do a church job (although I have toyed with the idea), but seminary would prepare me for so much more. Divinity school? Future religion professor? I don't think so. I can't write or read that many books.

So here I am, 3 months, a semester, and changed life later. I am reading heady books about the fate of religion in a postmodern world and true calling for my summer leisure time. WEIRD. I am preparing to add a crazy amount of time commitments on top of my already crazy schedule. I will be in EVM this year and am doing an unusual combo of orientation group, helping with chapel services, and already doing an internship since I started so late. I will be working with the Greenville Area Interfaith Housing Network (GAIHN) this year, a program that places homeless, or otherwise in need, families in temporary housing in until they can get on their feet.

I am truly excited, a little nervous, and ready to trust in these next steps. God has done so much with me. I am a little shocked with myself at how I just did it. I'm not like that! I have to have everything planned and be in control of the situation. I told Dr. Ray that I didn't how I so easily gave up the music education path. He informed me that I had probably already let go of it. Without even knowing? Strange, but he's probably right. I think this process started long before that March morning, and I had no clue that anything was happening to me. God knew it needed to be done that way. He makes me laugh. :) Switchfoot is usually pretty smart, and these lyrics, "What direction, what direction? Life begins at the intersection!" have been in my head for a while now. In fact I kept listening to that song the days before I made the change. (It sounds like I'm talking about a sex change or something.) Life begins when we look up and see where we're going, when we make those life changing decisions, when we realize where God is leading us. It's when we realize what this life is truly about. It's when we find purpose.

You've one life left to lead.

"Faust, Midas, and Myself" Oh, Gravity! Switchfoot, 2006.

The Simple Life

2007-02-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

I think to get me, or at least my love of music, you have to understand two pieces that (to put it in the cheesiest way possible) make my heart soar.

It's funny how different components of your life just seem to intertwine. Lately I've been thinking about simplicity. I desire a simple life, and always have. Part of me wants to give everything I own away, move someplace away from the madness of 21st Century globalization, and reach out to and be with real, genuine people. I'm also a bit ambitious, so I've been trying to figure out how all of that fits together. Do I let all of my goals and ambitions go and live as simply as I can, giving and loving and nothing else? Can and do my, I guess selfish, ideas fit into that? What about all the work we put into Furman. Does that matter for anything? Truly matter?

So now the music. Music is a strange being. It is so simple and yet soooooo immensely complex. If you have any knowledge of theory you know what I'm talking about. The language of music fascinates me. The way individual chords function, their unique characteristics, how a single note and the way it resolves can change the result of an entire symphony. Let's just say I like metaphors. :)

But once you get away from the progressive, chromatic, diatonic, atonal, Phrygian...notes, you have.... music. Pure music. The way it plays on the ear can be beautiful and tragic, inspiring and contemplative. Like I mentioned, there are two pieces I guess you could say are me. Adagio for Strings Op. 11 by Samuel Barber and the Overture to Das Rheingold: Vorspiel by Richard Wagner.

Let me explain a little about both pieces. Barber's Adagio is, at least rhythmically, very simple. Yet the chord progressions and dynamic changes make it one of the most beautiful and moving pieces I have ever played or listened to. It's one of those pieces that makes me cry sometimes when I listen to it, but always when I play it. The overture to Wagner's Ring Cycle is the essence of musical simplicity. It is a four minute pedal on Eflat. That means it is just four minutes of Eflat major arpeggios. But it's so effective! If I ever see the opera live, I can guarantee you I will jump out of my seat from excitement. It just keeps building and building. Ah it's amazing.

Ok so my point... Simplicity is beautiful. In so many ways. In love, in life, in music. I want God to teach me what it means to think simply, live simply, be simple.

Oh and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to these pieces. Either buy them on iTunes or email me and will send them too you. Maybe you'll understand me a little better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFkyAD9gS6g - great usage of Wagner, and only good part of this movie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRMz8fKkG2g&mode=related&search= - Common use of Barber's piece. for some reason it appeals to our humanity.

Wow what a year

2007-01-07T21:03:00.000-05:00

Happy Anniversary Darling!

Free Verse on a Prevost

2007-01-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

We were riding in the bus on the way to Disney. It was still before 7 in the morning, but the sky was just beginning to lighten. From my angle all I could see was the tops of trees, the mountains, and the sky. It was beautiful. I noticed something about the trees though.

Some of them looked jagged and grasping. They looked like they were trying to reach the sky to pull it down. The clawing hands were just holding on to life. They were looking for something, anything, to hold onto. I’m not sure why, (maybe because I had only had 5 hours of sleep), but those trees just looked so sad to me.

Some other trees were a type of evergreen I’ve seen before that just has green at the very top. They looked like they had caps on, blocking them from the sky. Something was keeping them from seeing the morning. They just ended so abruptly, like there was a ceiling or something.

But the other trees I saw made my heart happy. They had lost all their leaves, yet they still looked open and full. They rejoiced in the dawn light.

Then the dawn came. After the previous day that had been so dark and ugly, we started our long trip on an absolutely gorgeous morning.

Free Verse on a Prevost
You made everything in this world so different, yet so the same
The beauty of creation amazes me
I meditate on the gifts you’ve given me
The gift of sight
The gift of sound
Listening to hymns and blues
Morning light shines on my face
I praise you for song written by man
And song sung by creation
Thank you

What the rabbi thinks.

2006-12-17T21:12:00.003-05:00

There are times when I feel incapable. Ok I'm not going to lie...it happens a lot. I feel incapable of being good at school, viola, relationships, doing the "right" thing, or even pleasing God.

We're always told that God loves us the way we are, but it seems to come with some stipulations. He loves us if we can mark all the things off our good boys and girls checklist, if we don't mess up too badly (maybe if there are just a few minor mistakes here and there), if we take care of all the "if's" in life!

Ok Rob, take it from here...

"If you are a disciple, you have committed your entire life to being like your rabbi. If you see your rabbi walking on water, what do you immediately want to do? Walk on water.

So this disciple gets out on the water and he starts to sink, so he yells, 'Jesus save me!' And Jesus says, 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?'

Who does Peter lose faith in?

Not Jesus; Jesus is doing fine.

Peter loses faith in himself.

Peter loses faith he can do what his rabbi is doing.

If the rabbi calls you to be his disciple, then he acutally believes you can be like him. As we read the story of Jesus' life with his talmidim, his disciples, what do we find frustrates him to no end? When his disciples lose faith in themselves.

He even says to them at one point, 'You did not choose me, but I chose you.'

...Notice how many places in the accounts of Jesus' life he gets frustrated with his disciples. Because they are incapable? No because of how capable they are. He sees what they could be and could do, and when they fall short, it provokes him to no end. It isn't their failure that's the problem; it's their greatness. They don't realize what they're capable of....

I have been told I need to believe in Jesus, which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus belives in me.
I have been told I need to have faith in God, which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me.

The rabbi thinks we can be like him."
Rob Bell, "Velvet Elvis"

Well said Robby. I think he pretty much covers this one...

Identity

2006-11-30T19:42:00.000-05:00

Who am I?

Am I an adult yet? When will others look at me that way? What are my interests, my passions, my hopes, my dreams? Why won't others accept me the way that I am? Do I seem like I need to be fixed?

Is my identity something I just grasp one day, or is it constantly changing, morphing, as I learn and grow?

I feel sometimes like I know who I am and what I want, then someone goes and tells me I'm not supposed to yet. Well why not? Being confident in the person I am right now, the place where God has me at this moment, is not the same thing as being stuck in concrete. I want to grow and change. There are so many things in my mind that I am still searching for: knowledge to be attained, decisions to be made, goals to be met, and questions, never ending questions.

This life is such a strange thing. We are such strange beings. We want to be independent, and yet long to be dependent. What we are independent of and who we are dependent on both have huge impacts on who we are and who we become. I'm tired of being told what to do by some, and I look to others for direction. What a dichotomy.

I want to make sure I find out who I am without being told by others who I should be.

Oh well I guess I'll just have to keep searching for myself. A Where's Waldo of sorts. A never-ending Where's Waldo.

Just some thoughts...

The Marshmallow Indicator

2006-10-26T18:36:00.000-04:00

If you read Taylor's blog, then you have seen my theory on personality typing and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (http://web.mac.com/taylorcox). Well tonight at dinner I just thought of another sort of random insight into peoples lives.

Lucky Charms Marshmallows.

Be honest, we all love Lucky Charms, and the marshmallows that come in the beloved cereal. I have recently noticed that everyone eats the marshmallows differently. Some pick them all out at the beginning and eat the rest of the cereal last. Some eat the brown cereal first and save all the marshmallows for last. And still more eat all of it at once, not bothering to pick out marshmallows, but savoring it all at the same time.

So this is my theory...

The people who eat the marshmallows first:
They want to get all the good stuff first, instant gratification. They are the kind of people who eat dessert first and everything else is just sustinence, the ones who say "give me the good news first."

The people who save the marshmallows for last:
They press through hard times knowing that there's a reward at the end. They tough out the bad parts of life to get to the good. They work hard, and as such, get rewarded at the end.

The people who eat everything together:
These people love life the way it is. They take the good with the bad, and "keep on truckin." Every moment is savored.

How do you eat yours?

Once again, take this as you will, but I think it's a pretty sweet (pun intended) theory.

Fall Back Home

2006-10-10T11:19:00.001-04:00

It's October.

A-m-a-z-i-n-g.

Mountains, leaves, colors, sunlight, clouds.
Homecoming, football, candy corn, funnel cakes.
Jackets, sweatshirts, cool air, damp air.
Festivals, concerts, bluegrass.
Camp fires, hiking, happiness.

I love it here, but oh East Tennessee in the fall... it cannot be beat.

Someday you will have to experience it with me. You will be changed.

News Bulletin

2006-09-28T20:26:00.000-04:00

We take you from your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this update:

I am content in the now, with the people I love. I feel amazing.

Thank you.

And now back to Days of Our Lives...

Stars

2006-09-21T20:10:00.000-04:00

I recently have been thinking about… well… me. Selfish, I know. But I have been asking myself who I really am, why I’m here. Deep, huh? (Or maybe that's just college.)

Well I’m in my first ever psychology sort of class, Human Development. According to a certain human development theorist, I’m searching for my personal identity because I have been confronted with uncertainty, a change in my environment, and instability in those around me.

Ok, so here’s my interpretation of that mess.

I wished away this summer (read “So I go back tomorrow…”) and just longed to come back “home” to my friends in Greenville. In doing so, I basically put my life on hold for three months. I found my identity with those here. Well people change, myself included. The dynamic of my group of friends has changed, and I’m not sure I was quite ready for that. I unknowingly put myself in a situation of potential hurt and disappointment by relying on what was.

At times I long for stability; for one iota of something (or someone) to call my own. I am exhausted from change. Exhausted from those I love leaving, from the ebb and flow of friendship. I want to simply be comfortable and feel safe and warm.

Then there is another part of me.

It wants change and adventure. New loves. New places. Danger and instability.

For this side of me, I thank God. My Jesus is not in the business of stability. He asks me to always be ready to go. To be ready to have my heart broken by those who can’t see. To be put under fire and come out slightly singed, but more heat resistant than ever (cliché I know).

Of course there are times (many times) where this scares me so much. My refuge, and the place I find God during these times is in the outdoors. My sense of wonder sometimes overwhelms me when I walk outside. Despite nature’s constant change, God has made one thing consistent, its beauty. Whether it be the sunlight shining through a leaf or the clouds at dusk, I find peace in God’s creation.

I ran back to my room this morning before lunch to drop off some things. I opened iTunes and the acoustic version of a certain Switchfoot song about stars came on. I broke down pretty much right there by myself.

God’s got my back. He’ll do everything He can to let me know it too. Whether it be in creation, a song, or a song about His creation.

I can survive change, survive instability, and better yet, thrive on it. I will grow when pushed, and if God has to push me off the metaphorical cliff…believe me, He will.

I’m ready God.

How do I please everyone?! Honestly!

2006-09-14T10:39:00.000-04:00

This has been a constant dilemma of mine, but right now it has been brought to the forefront by a simple email from a professor of mine. I don't think she reads this blog, so we're safe to just cut and paste...

"I would like to request permission to miss the Masterclass next Friday. I have a lab from 2-5 on Fridays, and there is one scheduled for next week. Sorry! Let me know if I should do something to make it up.
Thanks,
Tiffany"

and the reply...

"Tiffany,
William Preucil is one of the most outstanding and respected concertmasters in the world! Please ask your professor if you could leave early that day and attend the Masterclass 4-5. You would have 2 hrs in the lab. Explain you are a music major and we have one of the finest violinist in the world on our campus. This is a unique opportunity. With such a heavy academic load this year you will have conflicts and have to make choices and music events should be at the top."

Are you kidding me?!! This is my academic future! I'm sorry but I've seen a million violinists at this point. Does she want me to fail biology and lose my scholarships? Honestly! I specifically waited to find a science with a lab (something I need to graduate) that wasn't on Tuesday or Thursday, just so I could be at orchestra every rehearsal. I'm doing my best!

Ok, I've vented.

But seriously, how do I please everyone? It seems with the outrageous schedule I have, someone's going to be disappointed in me. That feeling cuts me too deep.

There's a chance I made a very prestigious quartet this year. If I accept, I get scholarship money, a chance to improve my chamber music skills with private coaching, and a very nice addition to my resume. So you say, "Goodness Tiffany! Take it!" The downside, four extra hours of rehearsals a week. The rehearsal cuts into a weekly BCM event that I very much want to be at. Often people don't understand the actual amount of rehearsals I have and HAVE to be at. I don't want the people of LTeam to be disappointed in me. I want to be there. I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

I have a limited amount of free time as well. I want to see all my friends, but I can't see every one of them every time I have half an hour or so. Who I choose to spend my time with seems to disappoint someone every time. It doesn't matter what the choice is.

Some might say, "Tiffany, do what makes you happy." I would tell them, "Well, just being here makes me happy." I often choose the thing that will bring me the greatest reward. That's my human nature. I hate the selfishness in me. But sometimes I just want to put others before myself. I want to be able to make everyone happy. I don't want to disappoint people.

I realize I can't please everyone, but how in the world to I find a happy medium?

Help!

*Disclaimer* I can't believe I have been this open on the internet! Weird!!!!

Ode to a Lack of Patience

2006-09-10T01:01:00.000-04:00

Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

L O V E

2006-08-31T11:38:00.000-04:00

What is love?

Are you kidding me?! How on earth could I define such a term? This is a word that people try all their lives to define: to define it for others, for themselves,…for their pets (?).

So where do you start? Well I guess the ever (and sometimes over) quoted 1 Corinthians 13 might be a good place to give it a go.

So love is:
-Patient
- Kind
- Does not envy
- Does not boast
- Not proud
- Not rude
- Not self-seeking
- Not easily angered
- Keeps no record of wrongs
- Does not delight in evil
- Rejoices in truth
- Always protects
- Always trusts
- Always hopes
- Always perseveres

Well as much as I like lists, I feel like something this big can’t be summed up in one. Not to mention I’ve heard that so much it’s sometimes hard not to go on autopilot while reading. I feel like God has given me a mandate (that word makes me laugh for so many reasons) to love. I think it might be my purpose in life. Even so, I do a terrible job at it. So you’re thinking, “Swell job, Gibson. You can’t even fulfill your purpose.” Ok so it’s a work in progress. First off I want to know what it is to truly love those I’m close to: my friends, family, significant other. In a society where “love” is thrown about so casually, it can be very difficult to understand what kind of love God wanted us to show.

On Oprah the other day (yes I occasionally watch Oprah…so do you, don’t lie) Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife came on to talk about what she wished she had known about marriage. She said, in so many words, that she wished she hadn’t given herself up. Well in a way I understood and sympathized. She was cautioning women not to loose their identity in their husbands and lives of their husbands. You have to be yourself, I’ll give her that. But the manner in which she discussed this for some reason didn’t sit right with me. I felt like she was saying not to sacrifice any of yourself. Well I’m sorry but I highly believe in sacrificial love! I have been given a pretty good example you could say. I want to be willing to sacrifice my wants and wishes for the good of those I love! I don’t want to do anything half-heartedly either.

So now to this dilemma that the world doesn’t seem to have issues with… Christ said it was no good just to love those who love you back. If I just do that I’m no better than the IRS. So I have to love everyone? Dadgum it. This gets harder by the minute. A pet peeve of a friend is when people say “I’ll love them, but just because Jesus told me to!” Give me a break. Do you think they are really loving at that moment? Probably not. So I need to love the competition, the people who give me tests, the people who laugh at me when I’m not looking, and the people who no one has ever seen or heard of. Wow this is big, something it takes a lifetime (and more) to understand.

Well I feel like we’ve gotten all of nowhere on this one.

Let’s try the Bible again, just read a little differently:
“Love never gives up, love cares more for others than for self, love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of the truth, puts up with anything, trust God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”

So I need help. I need God to continually grow my capacity for love, and I need you guys to keep me accountable. I need to keep trying to figure out with love means.

Let me know if you have any other ideas of what love is!

And hey…

I love you.

So I go back tomorrow...

2006-08-28T11:50:00.000-04:00

I go back tomorrow!

I’m excited….

I think.

So I start my second year at Furman University soon, and I so hope it’s everything I’ve been looking forward to. I’ve fought this summer with everything in me since April, and now I’m not sure how much good it’s done. When I came back to Maryville late May, I felt like I was dying. I was soooooo homesick for Furman. As a certain boyfriend of mine can attest, I cried pretty much all day every day for the first week. Terrible I know. I wanted my friends, my beautiful home, my freedom, and my “church.” I just didn’t want to be where I was. I felt like I had changed beyond understanding for those I was close to in Maryville, and I was afraid that there was no way I could be myself around them anymore.

Well a couple weeks into the summer I went to Amanda’s (a best friend from home), and we just started talking. She told me that she had seen a change in me and was pretty sure it was similar to the way she had changed in the past year. I almost hit the floor. We talked for a long time about faith, our home church, and how all of our friends fit into this. It was pretty amazing.

If a new and different relationship with my best friend were the only positive outcome this summer, it would have been worth it.

Through the middle of the summer I was in and out of town constantly, and didn’t really have much time to think about anything to be honest. I still missed Taylor and all my friends from school terribly. It seemed like the summer would never end. I’ve been home more in the past month though, and yes, it has been boring. Except for one thing…. God revealed something major to me I think. It’s kind of scary, but insanely exciting. Sorry, but I can’t release details at this time. A press conference will take place in the future.

Last night at church I said goodbye to everyone who was still left in town, and it was harder than I thought it would be. While I was just wanting the summer to get over, I neglected to see how my relationships at home were changing. Everyone was telling me they loved me, be safe, all those things adults say, but they meant it. A man from my church was talking to me and proceeded to tell me that he had seen a change in me this past year. I (supposedly) am much more outgoing and friendly, and the smile on my face is somehow different than it used to be.

Has Furman made me truly happy this past year? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s the relationships I’ve built with the people around me. And maybe God has given me more to smile about. You’ll just have to wonder.

So I go back tomorrow…

THE END IS NEAR!!!!!

2006-08-27T22:26:00.000-04:00

This first blog may be a bit of a downer, but it’s what’s on my mind right now. Oh well… here goes!

I have recently heard several (and I mean several) messages on the end times. I find this a bit disconcerting to be honest. I kind of cringe when I get the bulletin on Sunday morning and it says “The Battle of Armageddon” for the sermon title. Why on earth would I want to learn more about the bloodiest battle the World will see? What use is it to try and figure out the crazy language of Revelation and claim we know every detail of the end of the world?

I understand the attitude that Paul had when he told us to be mindful that the end is near at hand. We need to be prepared for the time that Christ comes. We need to live as if He were with us. But I don’t always understand why we should predict when the end is coming. Is the world getting more evil, and are we getting closer to the end?

I find myself questioning the people who week after week talk about how morally depraved our country and world is…how much worse it is getting. Doesn’t every generation say this about their young people? The people who listened to Elvis in the 1950’s listened to devil’s music according to their parents. Supposedly homosexuality is more rampant today than ever. Roman emperors took their boy lovers everywhere with them, and showed them off proudly! Orgies were an everyday part of temple worship! Isn’t this all just cyclical?

Now when I ask myself these questions, I also wonder if this is my way of copping out. Do I say these things to somehow justify the sins of my generation? Don’t I also need to be mindful that judgment will come “like a thief in the night”? Well, maybe for myself…I need to be mindful so I don’t fall into those traps. However, I don’t believe that it is our place to predict the end of the world as a way to scare people into belief.

I just don’t see how labeling the people of our society as beyond redemption and condemning them without a second thought is much help to anyone. I feel like Christians put on the attitude that we are above this mess, that we don’t have to deal with it because we have Jesus. Well guess what. We live in it. We are a part of it. We have to deal with because we have Jesus. Our mission is to bring hope, not condemnation. We have no right to condemn, seeing as we were rescued from it ourselves! And yes we need to share our faith fervently, but because we love our savior, not because there is going to be a bloody battle at the end of the world.

I also ask myself, is there really any point in dwelling on all of this? Maybe not...

Well in answer to a previous question, yes, THE END IS NEAR!!! It's always nearer! haha! Just think about these things, because I still am. I don't claim to know anything. I have a feeling I'll know a lot more in about 90 years or so. :)

My new adventure

2006-08-27T21:36:00.000-04:00

Hey friends!

Well, I started this blog to let the world see what’s really inside this blonde little head of mine. (I’m sure many of you wonder if anything is inside there at all.) I have a feeling this will also help me to better develop my thoughts. Just thought you should know that. :) Many close friends of mine keep up a blog, and I hope you will enjoy mine as much as I enjoy theirs.